


Pitch Black's Parenting Guide

by Piff



Series: Bye Bye Birdy [37]
Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Gen, Multi, Protector of Noses, Teething, Unlookedfor Career Paths, Unrelated chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-28
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-25 09:09:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12527900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piff/pseuds/Piff
Summary: "How to Raise Your Child Before They Kill Themselves" by Pitch Black.Everyone knows that raising a child is exceedingly hard work, or it is if you want them to live to adulthood with a reasonable amount of maturity and ethics. When raising a child with the ability to fly, turn invisible, attract lightning, change shape, or any other paranormal talent, that becomes a task for only the strong and patient.Good luck.





	1. Samhain

“I just don't know what to do with that boy,” she sighed.

Pitch was not used to be in the role of sympathetic listener, but figured he could use some of Sandy's tricks. Therefore, he refilled Samhain's wineglass.

“Jack has been a good influence. Hollow is so sweet and kind when a small child, but...”

“Then he grows up.”

“I hate to admit it, but as a young adult my son is an asshole.” Sam stared at the dark red wine mournfully. “Headly loves little Hollow, and vice versa. Headly takes him riding and they grow pumpkins and play tricks on late-night travelers. But the moment Hollow gets it in mind to be any age older than fourteen all they do is argue. Loudly.”

“They do not share any common interest?”

Sam shook her head. “It's not that.. the problem as I see it, is that Headly's presence is very recent in the face of things. Little Hollow loves his stepfather, but young Hollow seems to resent his presence and picks fights over the silliest things.”

Ah. Jealousy. Insecurity. “I should be the one asking you for advice,” the boogeyman mused. “La Calavera has not yet advanced into the role of 'Mother', as Headly has stepped up as a father figure. Jack is content with things for now, but I imagine should the time come he will be less amiable.”

“True. However,” and here she sat up to point a long, black fingernail at Pitch, “you've taken a semi-feral creature and turned him into one of the sweetest, most charming children I've met in centuries, in near the blink of an eye. You must be doing _something_ right.”

“Thank you.”

Samhain paused. “...that was a compliment, I assure you. The fact of the matter is, my son is an asshole and your son isn't. So yes, I've come for advice.”

“My first piece of advice is that you've had enough wine for the night.” Here was when Pitch corked the bottle and set it out of reach of the pretty witch. “The second piece of advice I have for you is to talk to Hollow. Expressing your feelings of unhappiness is just as important as telling him when you're happy. Even more so. He needs to know how his actions have been affecting you. When he realizes that he can tell you about his unhappiness, you'll be able to clear the air and move on.”

Heavy with doubt, “just.. talk?”

“Communication is the key to any relationship.”


	2. Thunderbird

“I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me. Each and every time. The moment I turn my back on him- up it goes.”

Pitch Black wasn't sure how to respond to this. Nor was he sure how he'd become the Guru for Troubled Mythical Parents. Sure, it was mostly the parents of Jack's friends… for now.

“But.. crayons?”

“Yes!” 

The great feathered being dug his claws into the back of the couch. The edges of the bird were hazy, almost transparent. Thread-thin lightning flickered over the black-ish feathers and a giant curved beak made little irritated clacking sounds. And then there was the secondary form that could almost be seen within the hazy edges of the great bird that was much more humanoid and capable of speech.There was a Thunderbird on Pitch's couch complaining about how Coyote crammed colored wax sticks up his nose.

“He does this only as a child I assume?”

“Under five or so.” The great bird fluffed his feathers with an exasperated sigh. “I've whipped him, grounded him, put him in timeout. I've punished and bribed and ignored until I've come to my wits end. What do I have to do to keep this child from attempting a lobotomy on himself?”

Pitch held back the comment that lobotomies were done through the eyes, not the nasal cavity. 

“Have you considered simply not allowing him to use crayons?”

“He tried to eat the fingerpaint. All of it.”

“Ah.” The boogeyman paused for a moment, propping his chin on one hand and wondering if he had a wineglass big enough to offer a drink in. “Have you asked him why he does this?”

“Of course I've asked him! I constantly ask him what in Earth's name was he THINKING when doing something so blatantly stupid? Over and over and over.. it's like he LIKES driving me mad!” 

If Thunderbird put a single rip in Pitch's couch they were going to have strong words. So far though the entity had been able to keep their claws from doing any actual damage. Just clenched over the fabric like it was a massive sized stressball.“

”And what does he say?”

“Oh some sort of babble about colors and.. huh.” Feathers poofed out until the Thunderbird's beak was all but invisible. “He's always asking what my favorite color is.”

“Would it happen to be the same color as the implement graced upon his nostrils?”

The great storm bird pondered for a moment.. then groaned. “Are you suggesting that my toddler rams wax up his nose in an attempt to remember my favorite color? I know he gets frustrated when he can't remember things but that is just ridiculous.”

Pitch shrugged. “You said it, not I. And he's a baby. So if the theory fits..”


	3. SlenderMan

Pitch slowly pushed Jack to stand behind him.

The ridiculously tall and pale man waved a hand around to the sound of electrical static. His impeccably tailored suit looking less than impeccable as the bundle under his other arm wriggled, kicked, and cursed vehemently.

Pitch winced under the onslaught of foul language distracting him from the flickering images running through his mind. He was starting to understand what SlenderMan was getting at (the bite marks were a good clue) but… uhh..

THIS was Jeff? SlenderMan's newly acquired ward? With the biting phase? This wasn't a toddler, this a teenager Jack's age!

He quickly carded through a handful of responses involving gags and muzzles before coming up with-

“Have you tried chewing gum? Perhaps if he were already biting something he would refrain from biting others." Like yourself.

Jack peeked out from behind Pitch, a firm grasp on his hoody keeping him from moving further. Pitch tried not to look like he was hiding his child from the raving lunatic being hauled around like a yappy puppy.

A yappy, wild eyed, mutilated, blood-thirsty puppy.

Perhaps Pitch was being unkind. It wasn't like the Boogeyman could say much about having a bad reputation. He did not know exactly how SlenderMan had come to adopt the child already named a Killer, splattered with gore and a tendency to wave around a knife.

Ignoring the growls of said youth, “All I can suggest right now is perhaps a conversation on ways to deal with strong frustration. An agreed upon list of acceptable things to do, or not do, may be in order.”

He could only imagine the youth's reaction to a sticker reward-chart for using his voice not his teeth.


	4. Swan Maidens

Pitch pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. "Lydia... she is four. You can not allow a four year old to choose what she eats and when she sleeps. She's _four._ "

"Oh but.. I don't.. she cries... and I feel so bad.." the Swan Maiden twisted her fingers together fretfully and looked up at him with big, wet eyes. "She looks so sad if I say no."

"She. Is. Four." Pitch repeated slowly. "She can not be held accountable for herself. It is your job to keep her healthy. Letting her eat sweets day after day will lead to malnutrition and then starvation. Unless you want your youngest sister to die, you will have to be the adult and tell her No."

Maybe he should have cushioned that a bit more. The eldest Swan Maiden burst into tears and that set off the next two sisters and suddenly the entire flock was hysterical.

Pitch ran a hand over his face in exasperation.

The previous eldest had been a sensible girl, serious and motherly. She had been able to coax her many sisters along with a couple of words and kind gestures. Now that she had gone off and married her True Love, leaving behind her cloak for a new Swan Maiden...

Ugh.

"Have you considered looking for someone of whom you can get parental guidance from?"

Pitch found himself trapped under two dozen blue eyes.

...wait.

No.

"Such as.." 

What spirits lived in Russia? Not the Rusalka. Definitely not the Yaga.

"....the Firebird? She is an intelligent young woman who would know what an avian child needs. Let me get into contact with her and I shall send her your way."

Pitch fled, almost feeling guilty at abandoning the Swans while still upset but there was no force on this planet that could make him adopt twelve young, naive, trusting, flighty, brainless little girls. _Twelve._

The Firebird was supposed to be a princess of birds right? It was her duty to look after the Swans. 

All hers.

**Author's Note:**

> A few parent/child combinations are in progress, but if you have ideas for who, or what, Pitch should lend a hand to, let me know! :D
> 
> I can't promise anything but you never know what may spark an idea.


End file.
